1.20.2017

Going backward

There are some days where I feel like I truly understand myself yet there are some days too where I totally have no idea what kind of person I am. 

I had always described myself as cheerful, confident - independent - hardworking (or shortly I know what I want and would work really hard for it), etc. Being a Leo girl, I'm truly aware of my ego and bossy attitude at some points. I also consciously learn how to reduce my ego when interacting with others (slowly but sure). When I was sad or angry, I'd always find a way to get back up in no time & stay cheerful. I never wanted to affect my sour mood to others.

I'm also a very logical person more than feelings (maybe 70% logic 30% feelings). I guess that's also the side effect of being a stubborn Leo. I find that useful when I have to find a solution, or to help my friends who are too soft-hearted.

When somebody hurts me (Hurting to me means 5 levels ahead of just making me annoyed. I don't give a damn to small annoyances), I forgive but never forget. I still want to be your friend, but I always keep a distance. 

I guess this applies to many of you too, right?

But what if that happens between you and someone who's truly close to yourself, that you can't keep a distance? It's not just an anger, but a disappointment. This thought has been bugging my mind lately. 

I got a new book titled "The Five Things We Cannot Change" that basically tells us to accept the reality of life's ups and downs where things don't always go according to our plan. 
I realize, there's no way out if I'm not willing to let go of my own emotion. 

But every time I tell myself "You have to truly forgive to be happy", the other side of me will tell me "Nope. That person deserves this treatment from me. I still haven't had enough. That person had hurt me, why can't I" So it's like stepping forward and back.

I feel so bad for it. I feel like I'm going backwards. I feel like I used to be much better human being before. Back then it's much easier for me to solve this kind of problem and forgive people. This is what a disappointment can lead me into. I know I'm wrong and what I shoud've done, but I'm still trying to figure when I'd be ready to let go all of my angers. Hopefully, soon.

2 comments:

  1. yap! agree with that words "forgive but can't forget" everyone will do the same, just like me.

    www.deniathly.com

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  2. I think you just need to let it all out, I mean all of your feelings. since it's someone who's close to you of course you don't want to feel forced to distance yourself from him/her. But again, if it's really bad, maybe I'd just go away and find new clique

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@veren_lee