Last month I wrote a post about how I don't want to force my self studying too hard only to compete to get the highest score at school. I hope you're not bored hearing this kind of story all over again. Well, it's still confusing me because sometimes deep in my heart I want to get the highest score too (who doesn't?). It's like half of my heart I just want to enjoy my school life and not care at all about being the 'highest' or the 'smartest' in the class. But the other half, sometimes I wanna win over my friends too. I know if in the future most people don't care at all about your high school score. And my belief is still 'your grade / smartness won't determine your future'. Because when you're going to get a job, they look at your university's certificate and graduation score, right? (Am I right?)
I feel like I'm totally lost and don't know about my exact desire. I've told you before that since elementary school my parents cared a lot about my grades, and I always got the 1st or 2nd rank. But since junior high school they didn't really force me about that, and I'm getting lazier. My grade dropped to 4th or 5th, because what was in my mind it was already good, and yeah as what I wrote last month, I wanted to enjoy my school life without being pressured by the score competition at school. But now I'm in the 9th grade and on April I'll have national exam. Seeing my preparation exams results, I kinda feel sad and feel I'm getting stupider than before. In 7th grade my score was really good and had many high scores in my report card, and it keep decreasing from 8th grade -_- (yeah although sometimes in some terms it increases too)
It makes me stressed and tired.. It makes me want to graduate from high school very soon and enter university because it's not as competitive as in high school, right?
My friends are so ambitious and smart. They won't let anyone win over them. They really care about one point score difference and will fight like there's no tomorrow when they argue something.(no I'm not as far as them. When I lost to them, I never argue much). There was a day when the smart student in my class said this to me when we were running in p.e lesson "omg I will use the rest energy in my body because it'd be a shame if I lose to you!" (I was like. geez.. your words.. #jleb). I never say like that to anyone !! -_-. It makes me think oh God he's soo very very very ambitious, huh?
In my heart, in the national exam I want to make my parents proud just like 3 years ago when I got the 1st rank in 6th grade. I know I'm so inconsistent. It's just last month I wrote about this , and my mind 'slightly' has changed now.
I think what happened in me is just a change in myself. I was the girl who was really ambitious and want to always get the highest score, and then I want to be a not-so-ambitious girl and don't wanna care about score at all. I'm just confused between 2 different 'personalities' in myself. And NOW, I want this time, for the national exam, I WANT to get the highest score, I WILL study hard. Although sometimes it makes me stressed and kinda pressured when studying, but if I get the highest score for national exam, I believe I'll feel happier than ever and my parents will be so proud of me.
You may consider me as a 'labil' teen because I admit I really am. I show myself as an inconsistent person in this post, because until now, I'm still confused with my own heart. I don't know where I can share this 'feeling' except to this blog. When I tell this story 'live' to my bestie / my parents, I'd easily cry in the middle of 'my sharing moment' and at the end I don't finish telling it to them. (yes I'm a crybaby. I easily cry when I feel sad. Even my teacher said she wouldn't expect me as a crybaby because she thought I was such a tough girl).
Mom, I really wish you read this post and tell me what should I do.I don't have the guts telling you about this. I know you're sad and disappointed when I told you about my scores in the 1st and 2nd try outs at school. I'm so sorry about that T.T. But mom, I really really really want to get the highest score and make u and dad proud with my score / grades in national exam (Honestly I want to be in the top three too but I wasn't confident enough) . I just don't want to disappoint you. :'( It needs a lot of effort to be in the top three (1st-3rd rank), but I will do it all to make u proud since it's also what I want too. . I believe I can do it because I'm a person who'll work hard on what I want and it's my responsibility as your daughter. You and dad work really hard for me and I believe as a student, the only way to pay back is to study hard and make you proud. If I succeed, I'll be the happiest kid alive because I can make my parents proud.. It's my biggest wish now. And since I'm also a person who'll do anything to get what I want, I must be more diligent from now on to reach my dream.