Last month I wrote a post about how I don't want to force my self studying too hard only to compete to get the highest score at school. I hope you're not bored hearing this kind of story all over again. Well, it's still confusing me because sometimes deep in my heart I want to get the highest score too (who doesn't?). It's like half of my heart I just want to enjoy my school life and not care at all about being the 'highest' or the 'smartest' in the class. But the other half, sometimes I wanna win over my friends too. I know if in the future most people don't care at all about your high school score. And my belief is still 'your grade / smartness won't determine your future'. Because when you're going to get a job, they look at your university's certificate and graduation score, right? (Am I right?)

I feel like I'm totally lost and don't know about my exact desire. I've told you before that since elementary school my parents cared a lot about my grades, and I always got the 1st or 2nd rank. But since junior high school they didn't really force me about that, and I'm getting lazier. My grade dropped to 4th or 5th, because what was in my mind it was already good, and yeah as what I wrote last month, I wanted to enjoy my school life without being pressured by the score competition at school. But now I'm in the 9th grade and on April I'll have national exam. Seeing my preparation exams results, I kinda feel sad and feel I'm getting stupider than before. In 7th grade my score was really good and had many high scores in my report card, and it keep decreasing from 8th grade -_- (yeah although sometimes in some terms it increases too)

It makes me stressed and tired.. It makes me want to graduate from high school very soon and enter university because it's not as competitive as in high school, right?
My friends are so ambitious and smart. They won't let anyone win over them. They really care about one point score difference and will fight like there's no tomorrow when they argue something.(no I'm not as far as them. When I lost to them, I never argue much). There was a day when the smart student in my class said this to me when we were running in p.e lesson "omg I will use the rest energy in my body because it'd be a shame if I lose to you!" (I was like. geez.. your words.. #jleb). I never say like that to anyone !! -_-. It makes me think oh God he's soo very very very ambitious, huh?

In my heart, in the national exam I want to make my parents proud just like 3 years ago when I got the 1st rank in 6th grade. I know I'm so inconsistent. It's just last month I wrote about this , and my mind 'slightly' has changed now. 

I think what happened in me is just a change in myself. I was the girl who was really ambitious and want to always get the highest score, and then I want to be a not-so-ambitious girl and don't wanna care about score at all. I'm just confused between 2 different 'personalities' in myself. And NOW, I want this time, for the national exam, I WANT to get the highest score, I WILL study hard. Although sometimes it makes me stressed and kinda pressured when studying, but if I get the highest score for national exam, I believe I'll feel happier than ever and my parents will be so proud of me. 

You may consider me as a 'labil' teen because I admit I really am. I show myself as an inconsistent person in this post, because until now, I'm still confused with my own heart. I don't know where I can share this 'feeling' except to this blog. When I tell this story 'live' to my bestie / my parents, I'd easily cry in the middle of 'my sharing moment' and at the end I don't finish telling it to them.   (yes I'm a crybaby. I easily cry when I feel sad. Even my teacher said she wouldn't expect me as a crybaby because she thought I was such a tough girl). 

Mom, I really wish you read this post and tell me what should I do.I don't have the guts telling you about this. I know you're sad and disappointed when I told you about my scores in the 1st and 2nd try outs at school. I'm so sorry about that T.T. But mom,  I really really really want to get the highest score and make u and dad proud with my score / grades in national exam (Honestly I want to be in the top three too but I wasn't confident enough) . I just don't want to disappoint you. :'( It needs a lot of effort to be in the top three (1st-3rd rank), but I will do it all to make u proud since it's also what I want too. . I believe I can do it because I'm a person who'll work hard on what I want and it's my responsibility as your daughter. You and dad work really hard for me and I believe as a student, the only way to pay back is to study hard and make you proud. If I succeed, I'll be the happiest kid alive because I can make my parents proud.. It's my biggest wish now. And since I'm also a person who'll do anything to get what I want, I must be more diligent from now on to reach my dream. 


  1. i'm like you. I'll always want to giving the best for my mum and my dad:) I'm include the labil person, too. Now, following you. As you know, your blog really inspires me. SERIOUSLY! hope you follow me back, as well. I'm very very very big thanks if you follow me back.


  2. Hello ^^ All that I can say is you need to set your priority straight. Which one do you want, obtain the best scores or enjoy your high school life? Although everyone wants to obtain both, but based on my experience long time ago when I was still in high school, I can't obtain both.

    I had a great high school life, and I shall regret because I can't enter the desired major that I wanted at that time.

    It's your choice, whether you want to get the best score for your parents or spend happy days on high school! <3

    Unless you're determined to do, you may obtain both. But only if you are extra diligent and no lazy. Once lazy, everything's ruined :)

    Just saying, if I were able to turn back time, I would study harder for my scores for our parents, since they are the one who brought us until here, we can never bring them down right? ;)


  3. Veren, as much as I enjoy reading people's blog posts, I also wish them well in all other aspects of life. That even includes your studies. I know full well the feeling of disappointing someone (or believing that I disappointed someone I love and/or respect). All you can do is work harder and remain strong. When it comes to school, only YOU can make this happen. Others will lend support, but it is up to you and you alone to make the most of each day and each subject. Impressing your parents and making yourself better for the future are two bits of motivation to help you to where you want to be. So always do your best, even if in a losing effort.

    I offer you my best wishes from here in the United States to you. Take care and good luck!

  4. Sometimes I think the same you're thinking right now. But then I realize that grades are important but they just make a small part of you! Don't put too much effort on grades and forget to live! You won't be happy that way!

  5. don´t be sad. i think you´re really smart and sometimes just it doesn´t work as we expected! this post inspired me to be better in school! (:
    im followin´ u, hope u´ll follow back ;)

  6. i feel the same way too. i want to beat all my friends, but in other way, i want to enjoy my life. but then i promised myself to just do the best and work super hard to achieve high scores :D all the best Veren!!

  7. OMG, Veren, i feel you!! <3

    I've been there, veren..
    for me, the only thing you should do is not think to much, its better if let your action do what exactly you wanted to be.

    Play hard, work harder. When i use more time in playing, so i need to pay more time in studying / working and reach my goal.

    I enjoy everything after all. everything happen in your life is to make you stronger and more experience to face your life in the future. trust me. :)

    You don't need to put so much effort in grades or winning from your friend, but you need to push yourself doing your best. don't think about the outcomes first.

    Your parents will proud of you when you trying do your best in everything. :)

    sorry veren, if i commented too much. i just really feel you <3


  8. The only way to get the highest score is only hardwork. So, good luck! Don't overpush yourself, cause it will effect your score. I'm not really the same as you. I love playing with friends, I love laughing more than studying. But when I really feel like studying, I could be somebody else. No one can stop me. But still, everytime I feel tired, I stop and rest a bit. I know you can, cause I know you're smart. I'm the same age as you, and now I'm in 11th grade! So I believe you can. my 1st and 2nd tryout on jhs is not really good too, but my national exam's score sure is something that should be proud about.

    Oh! we need mindset too. Cause when you say 'I can't' to your own self, you will definitely cannot do the things. The power of mindset o:)

  9. Hi veren, I've been reading your posts for a while and I think I need to say this. I'm much older than you are and perhaps you could use some of my advice. I've been there before. Obviously I was "the smart one" in the family. i was someone who could make my parents proud (grade-wise), because my brothers suck at school. It was a lot of pressure for me, too. But I wasn't the one who gets 1st of 2nd place. I'm just one of the top students. It was enough for me. Sometimes I did feel stupid because all through high school, I was placed in the top class where I would be almost at the bottom. It added more pressure. But hey, it's true that life is not just about studying and it's also true that your current biggest responsibility is to study and that's all. You might think that your grades in Uni is what really going to matter. I guess you can say that it's more important than your junior high/high school grades, but still, to get to the top universities, you need high good grades, right?

    People get lazy for sure. It's just human nature. Especially with all the distractions and stuff. I just feel that you need to put aside that laziness and just enjoy what you are doing. Yes, studying might be the last thing you want to do now, but it's your responsibility. You have to do it no matter what. When you grow older, you will have to bear more responsibilities, that's why you should start taking responsibilities when you're young. Take your parents as an example. They have the responsibility to take care of you. What if one day they say that they're too lazy to take care of you? How would you feel? What if one day your parents are too lazy to work and earn money? They won't do that, will they? It's because they have responsibilities.

    Sorry if I'm acting like an old lady right here (I'm not that old, trust me). I'm just saying how I feel based on my experience. Trust me, you will be proud of yourself too when you look back on your good grades later on.

    I'm not saying that you should work your butt off to study. I just want you to know your limit and please please please, don't stress yourself. Do your best and enjoy life :) At your point in life, you shouldn't be so stressful. Afterall, I bet your dropping grades are still great ;)

    P.S. Yes, good grades and success are not directly proportional. Lol.

  10. hi veren. i know what you feel cause i feel it too. i was smarter at elementary school and 7th grade. And now, at 8th grade i'm getting lazier than ever. My score is getting worse and i disappointed my parents. It really hurts me. I'm afraid i can't enter the favorite high school in Surabaya. And this 2nd semester i really want to change it before it's too late. Before i'm at 9th grade and it's getting harder. I wish you could pass your national exam easily. Wish you bunch of luck!

    Nedita Farah <3

  11. good luck for your national exams,dear .
    i'm in 9th grade too :D
    so let's fight together to graduate :D
    godblessyou dear ♥

  12. Hey baby Veren!

    I totally feel what u felt right now, well, my study period had gone and I couldn't get the time turned back anymore but i seriously wish that I did better before, I was also the ambitious one before but since I find everyone was being so competitive, I pulled myself out, which made me regret now.
    Seems like the decision was not wise enough as I actually wish that I could do way better compared to what I get at the end. I wished I could be like the old me when mark was something I was chasing for, mark was something I think it was so important. I regret I was not working hard enough before my O level examination! and I don't want you to feel the way I feel right now!

    So better get your ass off and start studying! you just need to know what type of people you are and try to know the best way of learning according to ur personality!

    Goodluck to you love!


  13. Hello Veren.. :)

    I think there're not much to say already because there're lots of advice for you. :)

    As for me, i think grade isn't really important. What's better is how much do you understand the lesson. It's just a matter of different goal. There're lots of people who got 1st or 2nd rank but don't really understand the lesson. They just dilligent to read for the sake of their performance, for their score.

    Isn't it better to fully understand the lesson given to you?

  14. hi! I'm a 9th grader too :)
    yeah, sometimes my parent is like that too, like my destiny is chosen by them and I just have to follow their rule about this and that. like I have no choice. but, recently I think that all of us are too young to make our "permanent" decision. so, I must say I agree with ur parent. however, studying isn't the only thing that is important.there are so many things that are also important, such as communication skill, etc.

    and, about your dream to reach highest score in UN. It's great. My dream is also like that. But, I think we should know and realize about our skills. If we just force ourselves when actually our skills have reached the mazimum one, we can't force ourselves. My mom once told me when I forced myself to get the highest score in one of the try-out:
    "Actually ur UN score isn't that important. You have been accepted in the high school and you will be graduated." I thought about that and I must say I agree with my mom. But, yeah, of course, I still try to do and give my best, but I don't force myself anymore :)

    last thing, u're so lucky that u only have 2 try-outs until now. I have about 6 try-outs until now and 3 are still waiting :( (my school decided to make 9 nine try-outs and even my math teacher thinks it's not enough!!) poor me and lucky you..

  15. hmm...kadang impian itu ga sejalan lho sama kehidupan sehari-hari...
    wajar sih ya kalo baru umur segini, masih itu apa namanya... 'labil' hehehe
    aku juga dulu begitu
    tapi come on! semangat! yang penting prioritas no.1 itu berusaha bahagiain orang tua aja dulu, kadang mereka juga keliatannya maksa, tapi berusaha maksimal dan jujur sama kemampuan kita, mereka pasti udah bangga sama kita dek...apapun yang dijalanin dengan niat tulus, hasilnya pasti baik ;)

    oke deaar
    heart you <3

  16. Hi Veren,

    I have been silent reader for months and never planned on commenting, but I couldn't help commenting on this post.
    Believe me: you won't wish you could've finished the boring school years faster when you enter university, even more when you enter the workplace. They are the funniest years in life because you actually have much less 'things/responsibilities' to worry about. Basically your task is to study well enough and have fun. Getting good grades is excellent, as long as it makes you happy. But enjoying your life as a teen is a lot more important because these moments won't come back, while you still have many opportunities to be #1 later if you still want it (in any university classroom, at work as an employee, or maybe as a businesswoman, etc etc..).

    Success is not determined by grades at all, but you gotta be a smart girl. High grades do not necessarily mean you are smart. In fact I notice that my most successful friends (and I know they are smart ones) at workplace are those who didn't study hard at university, who were just average in grades, and who went out a lot and even missed classes because they prefer going out. Why? Maybe part of it is because having enough fun can shape our character well, somehow prove that we're smart (hence we don't need to study as hard as the others), and show that we are confident with our capability.

    I really understand your wanting to be #1 because I'm that kind of person too. But back then, I didn't mind being in the top 1-10 because I always knew I have something more than the others (I could be arrogant lol, but we've got to have strong confidence).
    So my point is please don't be sad and just enjoy your life. You are definitely a smart girl because your blog is so well written and, for a girl at your age, you have very broad knowledge to share to us. It is attitude, hard work, and being smart that get you to success. Those years in high school and university are meant more to 'shape' our attitude, build network/friendships, and help you find out what your talents and interests are. What you learn at school and university will hardly be used when you enter the workplace (except for certain professions such as doctors), but what kind of person your school and university years shape you to be will determine your success.

    Sorry if my post is messy. It's late at night and my eyes are half closed :P

  17. wait a minute, what's your dream anyway? like for example, if u want to be a painter, just paint. no need to care too much about score, just do your study within the frame of your responsibility.
    so first, you must know what you want to become in the future and set your priority on its field.
    anyhow, nice to be here! (:

  18. i ever had the same feeling as you when I'm in high school. personally, i am a very ambitious person when i get lower score i will get depressed and when i got higher score i will get happy and everyone can see that im happy (hope you understand what i mean). and i suggest you, please study hard for your national exam, no regret in future. your high school live will be start with no pressure

  19. dear veren, I'm sure you'll get better on your tryouts and you;ll do great on your national exam
    just give your parents the best and I'm sure they'll be proud of you :)

    The Sweetest Escape 

  20. wow nice posttt <3
    check my blog


thanks for your sweet comments on my blog!