Some of you might notice, I don't post pictures on instagram as often as before. Lately, it's been hard for me to pose in front of the camera. I still love dressing up, doing make up.. But I don't feel like being photographed unless I have to (e.g: my birthday, work-related). I even try to avoid gatherings because I'm scared of what people will say when they see me. 

Yes, I don't feel at my best these days. I have low self confidence. I know it's been a long time battle with self-love. But because I had a 3 consecutive bad experiences, my confidence who WAS slowly climbing up, fell back straight to the ground in a blink.

It's hard to write all the details, but basically I'm not as skinny as I was last year. I had health problems that forced me to gain body fats in order to recover. I hate to gain weight and to look chubbier. But what can I do? My body is just not meant to be skinny to stay healthy. Of course, health over looks. I don't wanna die young.

But some (or MOST) people, don't know that their actions and words can hurt somebody else. They don't know what I've been thru, yet it's easy for them to comment on my looks. 
Around 2-3 months ago, I had 3 relatives commenting on how fat I am. I tried so hard not to care. But in fact, it's not easy. Even until now, I still want to cry every time I remember those moments. For some of you, it might not be a big deal. But to someone who's conscious on how she looks, it means a lot. 

This year, I've turned into the most introvert mode I've ever been in my life. I really don't want to meet too many people anymore. I avoid meeting those that I haven't met in a long time (because my experiences made me scared to hear what they're gonna comment the moment they see me).

I still make new friends, because they never met me before. They meet me at my 'current' condition, hence I have no burden. I also feel comfortable hanging out with my close friends and my parents. 

I wonder... when will I be able to heal this scar? I wish people will start to be more mindful before they speak/ do something. Everyone has struggles. Everyone has different tolerances. What might be ok for you might not be ok for somebody else. Vice versa.


  1. Dear Veren, i've been reading your blog for such a long time and you're just perfect the way you are. Keeping up with today society's standards is not going to make you live long and happy :)

    Do whatever makes you happy and i hope you will feel better soon!


  2. Veren you are wonderful! I've been reading your blog since =- 2010, and you are one of my inspiration do write a blog and love fashion more. I even still envy you, and your life until today, for me you are amazing, and you have to be grateful for it, I wish I could be like you, with wonderful life, wonderful parents, wonderful holiday experiences and etc.

    I love you, and your blog, you are inspiring! Please be better asap :(

    Milka Amelia

  3. Hey Veren! I've been following your blog since you're so in high school and I think you're fine even if you gained weight, in fact I think you're right about health is more important than look. I know it can be hard in our society where people don't mind to hurt others with their unneeded and insignificant opinion, specially for people who's sensitive about this topic.

    I can relate because I was once like you, and I actually overcame it when I went to study at Japan where all my friends are men and one or two of them always gave me positive comment about my look even though I'm gaining weight or trying new style). I know it helped me a lot to boost my confidence. I also read a lot of motivational article about self love, it helps too.. :)

    Other things that I can relate to is my cousin has the same self-concious issue as yours. We're from family with big bones gene so it's impossible for us to look skinny like the usual bloggers and models, but because of others opinion, she always thinks to go on diet and even ask my mom to do slimming injection (she's a doctor who has beauty clinic) even though she's in her ideal weight and all...

    By far, I've tried to keep talking positive things to her but I know it's not an easy matter when I'm the only one to keep saying good things while the others don't have the sense to mind their own opinion. One thing I can give you is to surround yourself with positive people. sometimes we need to cut ties with toxic people, even if it's family, but your mental health is far more important.. :)

    Good luck Veren!

  4. Hi Veren, I've been there too. After graduating from university, I had a personal problem and it affected my self confidence as well. I was depressed and cried almost everyday, rejected all hang out invitations and did not even bother to reply any chat from my friends (except the closed one tough). Don't be afraid to look for a professional help if you need it. Let yourself have a private time. I hope you're getting better and back to the happy go lucky Veren Lee with so much passion and dream to pursue! :)

  5. Dont' worry every people can said everything about you but you just make itbecome input to yourself. Don't think yoo much cause it's not good to you. Fighting, you can do it :))

  6. The lesson of self love is the apex of all other life lessons. It is the root around which everything else grows.. Just leave all things aside... You are beautiful..
    Helene Goldnadel

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thanks for your sweet comments on my blog!